Hey y’all. So I’m (more than a little) late to this post. I haven’t been in the most awesome place. Thursday and Friday this week (Days 32 and 33) I actually felt really depressed, low energy, and down. I was exhausted all day and on Friday, I had a terrible tension headache that started in the early afternoon and kept humming into the evening despite 2 Tylenols and 2 Ibuprofens. I also found myself not only super fatigued, but incredibly thirsty, despite drinking a lot of water. Not the funnest of times.
I’ve been taking the Mold Detox pills (Chinese medicine ones) and I think I’m starting to Herx (more on this in another post). Essentially, I think the depressed feelings, fatigue, and even the headache all could be related to candida die-off. The feelings have been really strong though, and the headache on Friday was so debilitating that I ended up not really being able to work.
As I result, I decided to take the weekend off and see how I felt to try to restore a sense of normalcy. My tendency is usually to just push through and soldier on when I encounter resistance. Which in different moments in my life, has both served me very well, and also been to my detriment. I’m trying to find the happy balance of when it’s healthy to push and when it ends up pushing me over the edge in a negative way.
Dealing With Feelings That Arise
It’s been important for me to remind myself that I am NOT my feelings.
As in, I am not a depressed PERSON, I am feeling a little depressed and down at the MOMENT. These things are transitory. In the same way, when I’m feeling hormonal around my menstrual cycle, I remind myself, “This is not you. This is the hormones talking!”
I try to focus on things I CAN control, rather than fixating on what I can’t. It’s easy for me when I’m in this state to start getting really overwhelmed and to kind of spiral into a dark place. When this happens, I try to take a step back and refocus. Even sometimes shifting environment, like going to sit outside in the sun for a bit or taking a hot shower helps.
What people don’t talk about with this kind of thing, with cleanses, is that it’s a detox and not so different from detoxing from other substances. And detox is FUCKING HARD.
For example, when you quit coffee and have headaches or feel irritable. Or even when you’re detoxing from something like alcohol or drugs. Your body isn’t used to a different way of being and pushes back. It’s forgotten what “normal” even looks like, because you’ve adjusted to this altered state and recalibrated the “normal” baseline.
This cleanse is a journey of rediscovery. At least trying. To rediscover what “normal” really is. To getting back to a place before I took that first birth control pill, to the pre-yeast infection, pre-BV times. But it’s been so long now. I’ve been suffering for so long and adapted to this constant struggle.
But I’m committed to trying to create a new normal. I know that there’s going to be more down days. More resistance that I’ll encounter. But I’m hoping that it’ll be worth it. And I’m trying in this process to continue being kind and gentle to myself, and knowing that I’m not going to feel like a freaking rock star and ready to conquer the day every day.
And it’s okay.